Pseudo-Boyfriend just called me at work. He saw my Facebook status ("Which is the bigger travesty: Falling down a flight of my apt stairs, getting my heel caught in a grate, or leaving my cell phone at home?") and wanted to know if I was okay. Now, he knew I'd left my cell phone at home. He could have called and left a voicemail. Or emailed me. Or left a message through Facebook. But he didn't -- he CALLED ME AT WORK!!! He also said that he'd had a dream about me last night, and between that and my fall, he thought he would "take this opportunity to call and check in." Score one for Lauren!
I had actually planned to call him today. I wanted to see if he had plans for the weekend, and whether he'd want to hang out on Friday. (To talk about our relationship and make the decision whether to break up, or whether to try to work things out.... though certainly that's not how I planned to get him to agree to hang out!!)
Anyway, since I had him on the phone, I asked him about whether he'd like to get together. He said that would probably work. Score two for Lauren!
Here's the thing: I have been preparing myself in my head and in my heart for him to say that he doesn't want to get back together. So even though he was obviously concerned for me today(Especially since the first words out of his mouth were not, "Hey, it's Boyfriend," but rather, "Are you okay?"), it doesn't necessarily mean that he's starting to thaw on the whole relationship front. It doesn't mean that Friday's conversation will go in the "let's stay together" direction instead of the "let's break up forever" direction. Score one for Pseudo-Boyfriend.
We'll see what happens on Friday, I guess. Regardless of what we decide, I know we'll reach a resolution that I can live with, and that's what it is important right now.
4.28.2009
4.17.2009
An Open Letter
I am miserable. Completely and utterly miserable.
I can take the blame for questioning our relationship and raising the issues we face as a couple. I can also take ownership for the circumstances under which these issues were discussed and how quickly everything spiraled out of control. It may not have been the right time or place to raise all of the issues we discussed, but everything we talked about was legitimate. It should and would have been talked about and resolved at some point. Both of our concerns are valid and important. But we should have talked about them with a clear head and a clear heart, instead of in the heat of a drunken moment.
I was being a drama queen and once I got on a roll, I wasn't able to stop. My lack of self-control made it easier to push, prod and needle my way to a reaction that I didn't want. I think I wanted you to know that I didn't think our relationship was all rainbows and butterflies and perfection. I wanted you to know that I had some doubts. And, I was hoping to find some glimmer of hope that I could possibly have the same fears but that we could end up on the same page, and have the same hopes and dreams and desires for the future -- a future -- together.
But that wasn't the case. Instead, raising issues that I was concerned with went in a direction that I hadn't planned for, didn't expect and wasn't prepared to face. You didn't react nearly the way that I guess I hoped you would. I was hoping that you'd say, "Let's work on things." Instead, we ended up here. I learned that you have the same concerns, and that your concerns are magnified by what's happening in your life, separate from our relationship.
A thousand questions have been running through my mind: Why didn't I just stop talking? Better yet, why did I start talking in the first place, especially since I'd been so happy and content after our perfect afternoon together?! Why did I allow my drunkenness to interfere with what was in my heart? And If I'd waited for a better time and place, would the outcome have been any different?
So now we're here, on this break, giving one another enough distance to figure out whether this relationship is worth fixing or if fixing it even matters. I'm heartbroken and confused and lost in a sea of my own emotions. A couple of weeks ago, I could have stated unequivocally that if we just communicated a little better, we'd come out on the other end a stronger and happier couple, a couple with infinite possibilities for the future. Now, I'm not so sure.
You want some distance and I will respect that, not only because I love and respect you, but I also understand. I understand that you need to concentrate on yourself right now. I understand the crisis of self that you're facing. But God, how I wish things could be different -- that you could put faith in me, that you could open up to me, that you could lean on me, that you could want me by your side to help you and support you through this difficult time. I so badly want to stand beside you and work through everything you're facing. Together. But that's just not how you're built, is it?
This space/distance/break thing is going to slowly and surely kill me. It's not what I want. I want a resolution. I want us to decide, "Yes/No I can/can't be with this person and work through our differences." Unfortunately, a resolution for our relationship can't be reached until you reach a resolution with your future. That means putting every aspect of our relationship on hold while you concentrate on your career and what your next steps will be. You're not able to give me what I need emotionally, and you think I deserve better.
I feel like you want me to say, "It's okay that we break up. You're right: Our differences are too immense to move past. It's been a fun ride, but it's over." I feel like you want or need it to be a mutual decision. So that you don't feel like a bad guy? So that you know it's the right thing instead of questioning your decision? So that you can be clear-headed enough to move forward in other aspects of your life?
I am too in love with you to do that, and it's not what I want. I want us to come to a greater level of love and understanding with one another. I am ready to take that step with you. It's been a long time since I've loved someone, and knowing love may not be enough deeply hurts.
We have to reach a resolution soon. This state of limbo that we've been in the last four weeks -- four weeks! -- needs to end. It's been the longest and hardest four weeks of my life. I'm letting you "marinate" because it is what you need, but what about what I need?
Hope is a dangerous thing when it causes you to hold onto something that needs to fly away.
Fix yourself and come back to me.
Or let me go, let me forget you.
Please.
I can take the blame for questioning our relationship and raising the issues we face as a couple. I can also take ownership for the circumstances under which these issues were discussed and how quickly everything spiraled out of control. It may not have been the right time or place to raise all of the issues we discussed, but everything we talked about was legitimate. It should and would have been talked about and resolved at some point. Both of our concerns are valid and important. But we should have talked about them with a clear head and a clear heart, instead of in the heat of a drunken moment.
I was being a drama queen and once I got on a roll, I wasn't able to stop. My lack of self-control made it easier to push, prod and needle my way to a reaction that I didn't want. I think I wanted you to know that I didn't think our relationship was all rainbows and butterflies and perfection. I wanted you to know that I had some doubts. And, I was hoping to find some glimmer of hope that I could possibly have the same fears but that we could end up on the same page, and have the same hopes and dreams and desires for the future -- a future -- together.
But that wasn't the case. Instead, raising issues that I was concerned with went in a direction that I hadn't planned for, didn't expect and wasn't prepared to face. You didn't react nearly the way that I guess I hoped you would. I was hoping that you'd say, "Let's work on things." Instead, we ended up here. I learned that you have the same concerns, and that your concerns are magnified by what's happening in your life, separate from our relationship.
A thousand questions have been running through my mind: Why didn't I just stop talking? Better yet, why did I start talking in the first place, especially since I'd been so happy and content after our perfect afternoon together?! Why did I allow my drunkenness to interfere with what was in my heart? And If I'd waited for a better time and place, would the outcome have been any different?
So now we're here, on this break, giving one another enough distance to figure out whether this relationship is worth fixing or if fixing it even matters. I'm heartbroken and confused and lost in a sea of my own emotions. A couple of weeks ago, I could have stated unequivocally that if we just communicated a little better, we'd come out on the other end a stronger and happier couple, a couple with infinite possibilities for the future. Now, I'm not so sure.
You want some distance and I will respect that, not only because I love and respect you, but I also understand. I understand that you need to concentrate on yourself right now. I understand the crisis of self that you're facing. But God, how I wish things could be different -- that you could put faith in me, that you could open up to me, that you could lean on me, that you could want me by your side to help you and support you through this difficult time. I so badly want to stand beside you and work through everything you're facing. Together. But that's just not how you're built, is it?
This space/distance/break thing is going to slowly and surely kill me. It's not what I want. I want a resolution. I want us to decide, "Yes/No I can/can't be with this person and work through our differences." Unfortunately, a resolution for our relationship can't be reached until you reach a resolution with your future. That means putting every aspect of our relationship on hold while you concentrate on your career and what your next steps will be. You're not able to give me what I need emotionally, and you think I deserve better.
I feel like you want me to say, "It's okay that we break up. You're right: Our differences are too immense to move past. It's been a fun ride, but it's over." I feel like you want or need it to be a mutual decision. So that you don't feel like a bad guy? So that you know it's the right thing instead of questioning your decision? So that you can be clear-headed enough to move forward in other aspects of your life?
I am too in love with you to do that, and it's not what I want. I want us to come to a greater level of love and understanding with one another. I am ready to take that step with you. It's been a long time since I've loved someone, and knowing love may not be enough deeply hurts.
We have to reach a resolution soon. This state of limbo that we've been in the last four weeks -- four weeks! -- needs to end. It's been the longest and hardest four weeks of my life. I'm letting you "marinate" because it is what you need, but what about what I need?
Hope is a dangerous thing when it causes you to hold onto something that needs to fly away.
Fix yourself and come back to me.
Or let me go, let me forget you.
Please.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
