Baggage. We all have it. Some just have more of it than others…
Since college, nearly every serious boyfriend I’ve had has come with a cargo carrier of luggage, which ultimately has affected our relationship:
- A: Crack head absentee father, serial-bride mother, anger management issues;
- S: Abandonment issues, sexual abuse, multiple cheating ex-girlfriends, gnarly family tree;
And those are just the guys I’ve actually been in relationships with!
I thought my pattern of dating unavailable men was turning around when I started dating Ex-Boyfriend. Sure, he was resistant to change and unable to communicate. He'd previously been in a really toxic relationship, which I always felt kind of hardened him and made it hard for him to open up. But all in all, he was fairly normal.
On the outside, so it the guy I just met. We've only been on one date, but the connection is amazing... not unlike what I experienced with S at the beginning of our relationship.
He’s sweet. He’s funny. He’s smart. He's romantic. He's expressive. He’s a complete dork, trapped in a hunk’s body. We have amazing intellectual, emotional and physical chemistry.
So what's the baggage? He has a son with one woman, and a pending divorce with another.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never given a lot of thought to dating someone who already has children. I truly believe that your child is your child, regardless of whether s/he is genetically related to you. While the idea of dating a single parent is a little nerve-wracking, it’s not a barrier to a future relationship.
A wife is, though.
This new guy is separated from his wife, who is bi-polar. Her illness weighed heavily on their relationship, caused a lot of stress and a lot of anguish. They've only been separated for eight months, so it's not even final, yet, though he assured me that it’s over for him and the process is down to just technicalities. Never having been divorced myself, I am not sure how long the process takes... I think in Ohio, you have to be separated for a year before you can officially divorce.
He was honest enough to tell me this on our first date, giving me plenty of time to back up and run for the hills. He offered not to call me again until his divorce is final. I admire that he was so forthright; it speaks volumes of his character.
But it still freaks me the fuck out.
Just having that connection with someone so immediately is discombobulating enough –- I'm notoriously self-destructive when a relationship is "good" -- but throw in the rest and, well, you can see why I have such serious reservations. I’m left with more questions than answers. Do I just go with the flow and pursue things now? Wait until the ink has dried on the divorce decree before progressing with the relationship? Or is this just too much baggage to sign up for?
The advice of friends has trended in one direction, but I'm interested in hearing what you have to say? What do you think?
