Baggage. We all have it. Some just have more of it than others…
Since college, nearly every serious boyfriend I’ve had has come with a cargo carrier of luggage, which ultimately has affected our relationship:
- A: Crack head absentee father, serial-bride mother, anger management issues;
- S: Abandonment issues, sexual abuse, multiple cheating ex-girlfriends, gnarly family tree;
On the outside, so it the guy I just met. We've only been on one date, but the connection is amazing... not unlike what I experienced with S at the beginning of our relationship.
He’s sweet. He’s funny. He’s smart. He's romantic. He's expressive. He’s a complete dork, trapped in a hunk’s body. We have amazing intellectual, emotional and physical chemistry.
So what's the baggage? He has a son with one woman, and a pending divorce with another.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never given a lot of thought to dating someone who already has children. I truly believe that your child is your child, regardless of whether s/he is genetically related to you. While the idea of dating a single parent is a little nerve-wracking, it’s not a barrier to a future relationship.
A wife is, though.
This new guy is separated from his wife, who is bi-polar. Her illness weighed heavily on their relationship, caused a lot of stress and a lot of anguish. They've only been separated for eight months, so it's not even final, yet, though he assured me that it’s over for him and the process is down to just technicalities. Never having been divorced myself, I am not sure how long the process takes... I think in Ohio, you have to be separated for a year before you can officially divorce.
But it still freaks me the fuck out.
Just having that connection with someone so immediately is discombobulating enough –- I'm notoriously self-destructive when a relationship is "good" -- but throw in the rest and, well, you can see why I have such serious reservations. I’m left with more questions than answers. Do I just go with the flow and pursue things now? Wait until the ink has dried on the divorce decree before progressing with the relationship? Or is this just too much baggage to sign up for?
The advice of friends has trended in one direction, but I'm interested in hearing what you have to say? What do you think?
Speaking as a single mother myself, it hurts when potential mates pass me over simply because I am divorced and have a child. Having a child does complicate future potential relationships, but as you said, it is not a barrier. However, the fact that his divorce is not yet final is worrisome. Speaking from my own experience, I was mentally divorced from my husband even before the divorce proceedings, and as this new guy has told you, it really is just a formality. But... the process itself should really be finalized before he moves on. That's just my opinion, of course. It truly is hard to move on emotionally and psychologically when you are still in litigation with your ex, no matter how strong you are. As you said, most states require one year separation prior to a divorce decree being issued. So he still has at least four months before he is legally divorced. I say if you like him, definitely just go with the flow, but do not rush things. He may be the type that just cannot be alone, and hence, is why he may be jumping from relationship to relationship even before the last relationship is officially over. Connection is one thing, but is he the type that can hold onto it? Follow your gut. It's usually right.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, Lauren!
Hmmm, my instinct is to say "run!", but I have never been married nor had children. Personally, I tend to shy away from men with kids, but my experience dating a single dad involved one who was still in love with his son's mother. Clearly that shouldn't be the norm, but it continues to be a mental hurdle for me.
ReplyDeleteThe whole still technically, legally married thing would be a massive deal-breaker for me. There was a time when a completed divorce would have been though too, so I guess it comes down to what you're comfortable with.
I am curious what your friends are saying. I am curious what your feeling is. Because that's all that matters.
My two dearest friends have had responses similar to Nova's, that is, to go with the flow but guard my heart and not rush into anything. They think he's being honest and that counts for a lot. They also like that he's been respectful enough to say, "I won't call if you don't want me to." I feel like he's being honest about the whole thing, and to me, that takes guts. It's not like I'm out there telling him all the baggage I come with on the first date... if it's a test to see if I can hang, it's a good one.
ReplyDeleteBut Sar, like you said, the divorce not being final is the hurdle I'm struggling to get over. In the eyes of the law, he's still married. Moving forward with any kind of relationship feels like I'm assisting someone in committing adultery. Adultery. Saying and thinking about it that way is really heavy.
If a relationship is over in someone's heart and head, shouldn't it be okay to move on? Or start to repair one's life and form some semblance of normalcy?
My gut is telling me two different things, right now. I guess I'm leaning toward going on a second date and seeing how that goes -- because I have to be realistic, it's only been one date. At least I know all the issues up front, instead of finding out about them six months down the road...
Lauren,
ReplyDeleteSpeaking as a father of a young lady about your age there are two things that I think you've got wrong.
First, he's dating before his divorce is final. Apparently, he cannot finish things before he starts something else. If he cannot see his marriage through to the end, what kind of relationship is possible? There's a lack of follow-through showing there.
Second, the "honesty" thing. One thing guys know is that girls eat that crap up. Rarely do guys get challenged on their displays of honesty and sincerity, so it's a good play to use it. Obvious signs of "character" in a dating context are the most unreliable.
Having watched my daughter and her friends I've concluded that ladies tend to over-analyze relationships and they are also overly generous in their assessments.
Just some thoughts from and old man.