Tired.... so tired!

This week left me emotionally drained. Suffice it to say that I think I hate my job and may have made a mistake in moving down to Cincinnati for it. However, I have never been one to shrink away from a challenge; so I shall strive to meet this one head on and succeed.

My frustration lies in feeling like I'm not being well utilized, based on what I know how to do. I feel like I'm given no direction, no expectations. At the same time, I feel like there are certain expectations but no one has taken the time to explain them to me or tell me what I'm supposed to do. So, I end up feeling underutilized, stressed out, bored, inadequate and scared that I'll get fired all at once.

To make matters worse, I was given a memo Wednesday based on my first three months with the company, and told that I needed to improve on the areas listed. Now granted, there was basis for some; i.e. not providing frequent enough updates. But many of the complaints listed in the memo (there were four) can be attributed to the fact that I was in my initial first-three-months learning curve. Regardless, I have never been given a bad evaluation in my life, so this one came as a big blow to my ego, pride, confidence and career.

During the "Come to Jesus" meeting that I then had with my boss to discuss and react to his memo, my boss mentioned that I come to the company at a weird period in its history, because it isn't the best time to learn through the mentoring of some of the senior supervisors. So while on the one hand he tells me he wants to see me succeed (certainly something that I want for myself), on the other hand he tells me he has no time to teach me (which he explicitly said). I'm left wondering which of the mixed messages I should take to heart, and which ones I should discard.

Regardless of its intent, I thought the memo style litany of complaints was a little unprofessional. And my boss is of the self-important type that has to write really formally and make everything sound worse than it is. For example, in a complaint about my note-taking abilities (yes, that was one of the line items with example that he provided!) he said that it was of serious concern and must be addressed and corrected immediately before my six month review. Seriously... is note-taking of such dire concern to you, boss man? These are my notes that I take for my use, and which I then expand upon memo style for my clients when the meeting is over. And with all due respect, I have only been in one meeting with this person, so how would he know whether my note-taking abilities are up to speed or not, based on the one meeting (which I reported on with tremendous accuracy, thank you very much).

Here's my worry: I worry that they held these complaints, regardless of how minor they might appear, and didn't tell me about them when they first became concerns. They held them until I'd been there a while to spring them on me. I'm worried that this same thing will happen at my six month review, at which point the stakes will become a little greater because I'll be in jeopardy of losing a raise or losing my job all together. I'd like a chance to correct mistakes - real or perceived - before they are repeated, and luckily I'm of the sort to make a mistake once and then learn from it (except when it comes to men, then all thoughts of previous mistakes go out the window!). So I don't want them storing up the next three months of complaints; I'd rather we deal with them as we go.

I don't know, I just catch myself not wanting to go into work some days, and catch myself thinking "Wow, I moved down here for this?!" and browsing for new jobs online. Not that I'd ever apply for one now, because I think you need to stay at a job for a year before you truly know whether there is a place for you there. I just wish that period of waiting to see if I'll be a success there would hurry up and be over, so that I can figure out my next move.