What the fuck is your problem?
Love,
Lauren
6.28.2006
Hey! CW! Keep Pepper Dennis!
This is a note to all of you studio guys over at the new CW network: Keep Pepper Dennis in your fall line up.
Outside of Grey's Anatomy, Pepper Dennis is the one TV show that I look forward to every week. But tonight, during the show's weekly broadcast, the promo for next week's episode announced the series finale. What?!
I love the show for many reasons, but most of all because the character of Pepper Dennis is someone that I relate to. Strong, stubborn, willful, clumsy, driven and afraid to be vulnerable in front of others, Pepper Dennis is everything that I am. The show articulates aspects of my life that I know, love, hate, fear and want to change; that's why I enjoy watching it so much.
So please, CW studio bigwigs. Keep Pepper Dennis!
Outside of Grey's Anatomy, Pepper Dennis is the one TV show that I look forward to every week. But tonight, during the show's weekly broadcast, the promo for next week's episode announced the series finale. What?!
I love the show for many reasons, but most of all because the character of Pepper Dennis is someone that I relate to. Strong, stubborn, willful, clumsy, driven and afraid to be vulnerable in front of others, Pepper Dennis is everything that I am. The show articulates aspects of my life that I know, love, hate, fear and want to change; that's why I enjoy watching it so much.
So please, CW studio bigwigs. Keep Pepper Dennis!
6.19.2006
Anatomy of a Mean Girl
(Decoding Bitchy Girl Behavior: Part III)
The story thus far: Mean girls who act out of jealousy, insecurity and perhaps even a little spite. And now, I look at my own behavior, and dissect it a bit for your reading pleasure.
Keeping in mind Heather's specific behavior, even though I feel a little sorry for her, I still find it difficult to talk to her in public; in fact, I avoid her.
It isn't because I'm afraid that she'll turn on me, or single me out, or talk smack to me - because if she did, I certainly would stand up for myself, as I have done with her in the past (when she got caught talking a lot of shit about me to my boyfriend. Who told me about it. And then she came grovelling. But that is another story for another time.)
I don't just avoid her in social settings. I ignore her. And why do I do this?
a) I just plain old don't like her, which I'm sure she instinctively or quite obviously picks up on
b) I don't want to deal with or get caught up in her drama, and I don't want to be around when she inevitably starts it
c) I don't like the way she treats my friend and I'm afraid I'll snap one day
d) And yes, I'll admit it... part of me hopes she feels left out, as Julia so often does and as I did when I was a more integral part of that group. I want her to know how it feels to be purposefully left out.
And by giving her a taste of her own medicine, I sink to her level. So that makes me a mean girl, right?
See, in my opinion - and not just because I'm talking about myself, here - this is where the line becomes blurred. By ignoring Heather, do I become a person who is supporting her friend, or do I become a mean girl who can't step up and be the bigger person? Do I become a bit of both? Is that even possible?
Sometimes my bitchy girl behavior is a little easier to analyze:
1) My friend Rebecca started dating a guy recently. I am big enough to admit that I was a little jealous - not of her, for having a boyfriend... but of HIM, for getting to spend so much time with her when I was new in town and hoping to spend a lot of time with her, being integrated into her group of friends. So my reaction was to ignore him a little bit. I wasn't snarky or rude to him, but for the first few weeks that they were together, I didn't make much of an effort to get to know him. I can blame my behavior on being envious of the time that he got to spend with my friend, time that I would have gotten to spend with her had he not been in the picture. I can also blame it on not thinking that he's good enough for her, or thinking that because he's not good enough, she couldn't possibly keep him around for very long.
And when I realized (much to my dismay and horror) that I was acting just like Heather might, I immediately started to make more of an effort. I still don't think he's good enough for her... but I rarely think any boy is good enough for my dearest friends. But I also recognized that despite what I might think of him, he makes her happy - and THAT is what is most important to me.
2) When I get tired and stressed out, or have a bad day, I take it out on those closest to me. Now that I'm living by myself, it is a little harder to do. But when I was living at home, I could be a bit snarky with my family. I purposefully pushed them into fights with me. Hard as it is to admit, I started to feel a little better when I made someone else mad at me.
I can boil that down to the simple phrase, "Misery loves company." But I can also attribute my behavior there to feeling like my misery was justified. I wasn't just feeling crummy because something crummy happened, but also because I'd made someone else feel crummy. Like now I had a reason for feeling crummy, get it?
So there are some additional reasons for bitchy girl behavior. If you're keeping score, we're now at jealousy, insecurity, stress, spite, warped justifications... and the list goes on.
So how do we fix this problem? What can we women do - realistically, because we're unlikely to break bread with the enemy or get drunk watching soccer/football, as some men have suggested - to deal with the mean girls in our own lives?
The story thus far: Mean girls who act out of jealousy, insecurity and perhaps even a little spite. And now, I look at my own behavior, and dissect it a bit for your reading pleasure.
Keeping in mind Heather's specific behavior, even though I feel a little sorry for her, I still find it difficult to talk to her in public; in fact, I avoid her.
It isn't because I'm afraid that she'll turn on me, or single me out, or talk smack to me - because if she did, I certainly would stand up for myself, as I have done with her in the past (when she got caught talking a lot of shit about me to my boyfriend. Who told me about it. And then she came grovelling. But that is another story for another time.)
I don't just avoid her in social settings. I ignore her. And why do I do this?
a) I just plain old don't like her, which I'm sure she instinctively or quite obviously picks up on
b) I don't want to deal with or get caught up in her drama, and I don't want to be around when she inevitably starts it
c) I don't like the way she treats my friend and I'm afraid I'll snap one day
d) And yes, I'll admit it... part of me hopes she feels left out, as Julia so often does and as I did when I was a more integral part of that group. I want her to know how it feels to be purposefully left out.
And by giving her a taste of her own medicine, I sink to her level. So that makes me a mean girl, right?
See, in my opinion - and not just because I'm talking about myself, here - this is where the line becomes blurred. By ignoring Heather, do I become a person who is supporting her friend, or do I become a mean girl who can't step up and be the bigger person? Do I become a bit of both? Is that even possible?
Sometimes my bitchy girl behavior is a little easier to analyze:
1) My friend Rebecca started dating a guy recently. I am big enough to admit that I was a little jealous - not of her, for having a boyfriend... but of HIM, for getting to spend so much time with her when I was new in town and hoping to spend a lot of time with her, being integrated into her group of friends. So my reaction was to ignore him a little bit. I wasn't snarky or rude to him, but for the first few weeks that they were together, I didn't make much of an effort to get to know him. I can blame my behavior on being envious of the time that he got to spend with my friend, time that I would have gotten to spend with her had he not been in the picture. I can also blame it on not thinking that he's good enough for her, or thinking that because he's not good enough, she couldn't possibly keep him around for very long.
And when I realized (much to my dismay and horror) that I was acting just like Heather might, I immediately started to make more of an effort. I still don't think he's good enough for her... but I rarely think any boy is good enough for my dearest friends. But I also recognized that despite what I might think of him, he makes her happy - and THAT is what is most important to me.
2) When I get tired and stressed out, or have a bad day, I take it out on those closest to me. Now that I'm living by myself, it is a little harder to do. But when I was living at home, I could be a bit snarky with my family. I purposefully pushed them into fights with me. Hard as it is to admit, I started to feel a little better when I made someone else mad at me.
I can boil that down to the simple phrase, "Misery loves company." But I can also attribute my behavior there to feeling like my misery was justified. I wasn't just feeling crummy because something crummy happened, but also because I'd made someone else feel crummy. Like now I had a reason for feeling crummy, get it?
So there are some additional reasons for bitchy girl behavior. If you're keeping score, we're now at jealousy, insecurity, stress, spite, warped justifications... and the list goes on.
So how do we fix this problem? What can we women do - realistically, because we're unlikely to break bread with the enemy or get drunk watching soccer/football, as some men have suggested - to deal with the mean girls in our own lives?
6.07.2006
Anatomy of a Mean Girl
(Decoding Bitchy Girl Behavior, Part II)
Read the post below if you need to get caught up...
The situation thus far: An example of abhorrent behavior in Hollywood raises the question, "Why can't women support one another, instead of tearing each other down?"
Why do women act out against one another? I believe it ultimately comes down to insecurity. Women get defensive when they feel threatened by another woman. Whether that threat is real or perceived, it doesn't reall matter; it is all about the defense mechanism.
To highlight this theory, I shall draw from a real-life situation - one where celebrity and paparazzi don't factor into behavioral patterns: My best friend Julia is dating Rob (yes, they've been mentioned here before...) whose circle of friends - including several women - are extremely, if not uncommonly, close. Though at least one girl has accepted Julia into the group, the other girls have not. When they all go out together, Julia remains the "odd one out." The other girls ignore her, or monopolize Rob's attention.
I have seen and experienced this phenomenon myself, having been a "part" of this group while I was dating Andy. And even now that Andy and I have broken up, when I too join this group for an evening out, I'm treated the same way by these girls. Or rather, one girl in particular.
Now I get it that an individual's core group of friends are very important. My group of friends is similarly close knit. It can be difficult to break into an established set of friends - the inside jokes, the group mannerisms and the shared memories are built over time and are intrinsically and firmly rooted in that social network's make up.
But Julia and Rob have been together for two years. They plan to one day get married. Unlike me, Julia is not a flash-in-the-pan girlfriend. Yet this one girl in particular, Heather, continues to exclude her.
I think it comes down to a couple of different factors, not the least of which is my assumption that Heather perceives Julia as a threat to her friendship with Rob. The two of them have a very unique friendship, and I believe that Heather is afraid Julia will disrupt the balance of that relationship. She quite simply is afraid of being replaced, of no longer being the most important girl in Rob's life, a position which she has enjoyed with regularity for quite some time. Or perhaps she realized that by being his girlfriend, Julia has unintentionally already replaced Heather as the important girl in Rob's life.
So, in essence, Heather's freeze out method is a fight for position. Heather is employing a particular defense mechanism to jockey for her position. Regardless of whether she is fighting to protect or fighting to keep her position, she is afraid of being left behind and left alone.
When I boil her behavior down to her feelings of insecurity, I find myself feeling sorry for her. I pity the fact that she must feel her life is empty when Rob plays a smaller role in it. I pity the fact that she can't see that a true friendship, such as the one she and Rob have, won't die because someone gets a significant other. Yes, that friendship may morph and shift as certain aspects of your life change, but strong and true friendships last regardless of what else is going on. And it is much easier to maintain those friendships when you are open and accepting of your friend's choice of partners.
The next installment of this discussion will review my own bitchy girl behavior, and my own motivations behind it... As always, I welcome your thoughts, comments and debate.
Read the post below if you need to get caught up...
The situation thus far: An example of abhorrent behavior in Hollywood raises the question, "Why can't women support one another, instead of tearing each other down?"
Why do women act out against one another? I believe it ultimately comes down to insecurity. Women get defensive when they feel threatened by another woman. Whether that threat is real or perceived, it doesn't reall matter; it is all about the defense mechanism.
To highlight this theory, I shall draw from a real-life situation - one where celebrity and paparazzi don't factor into behavioral patterns: My best friend Julia is dating Rob (yes, they've been mentioned here before...) whose circle of friends - including several women - are extremely, if not uncommonly, close. Though at least one girl has accepted Julia into the group, the other girls have not. When they all go out together, Julia remains the "odd one out." The other girls ignore her, or monopolize Rob's attention.
I have seen and experienced this phenomenon myself, having been a "part" of this group while I was dating Andy. And even now that Andy and I have broken up, when I too join this group for an evening out, I'm treated the same way by these girls. Or rather, one girl in particular.
Now I get it that an individual's core group of friends are very important. My group of friends is similarly close knit. It can be difficult to break into an established set of friends - the inside jokes, the group mannerisms and the shared memories are built over time and are intrinsically and firmly rooted in that social network's make up.
But Julia and Rob have been together for two years. They plan to one day get married. Unlike me, Julia is not a flash-in-the-pan girlfriend. Yet this one girl in particular, Heather, continues to exclude her.
I think it comes down to a couple of different factors, not the least of which is my assumption that Heather perceives Julia as a threat to her friendship with Rob. The two of them have a very unique friendship, and I believe that Heather is afraid Julia will disrupt the balance of that relationship. She quite simply is afraid of being replaced, of no longer being the most important girl in Rob's life, a position which she has enjoyed with regularity for quite some time. Or perhaps she realized that by being his girlfriend, Julia has unintentionally already replaced Heather as the important girl in Rob's life.
So, in essence, Heather's freeze out method is a fight for position. Heather is employing a particular defense mechanism to jockey for her position. Regardless of whether she is fighting to protect or fighting to keep her position, she is afraid of being left behind and left alone.
When I boil her behavior down to her feelings of insecurity, I find myself feeling sorry for her. I pity the fact that she must feel her life is empty when Rob plays a smaller role in it. I pity the fact that she can't see that a true friendship, such as the one she and Rob have, won't die because someone gets a significant other. Yes, that friendship may morph and shift as certain aspects of your life change, but strong and true friendships last regardless of what else is going on. And it is much easier to maintain those friendships when you are open and accepting of your friend's choice of partners.
The next installment of this discussion will review my own bitchy girl behavior, and my own motivations behind it... As always, I welcome your thoughts, comments and debate.
6.04.2006
Cleaning house, then a real post
Hi everyone! Thanks for your patience and continued visits to my blog as I've been a little behind on posting recently. Between the move, getting increasingly busy at work, and my youngest brother's graduation from high school (and related family commitments) things have been INSANE for me. But I'm officially back with the promise to do a better job moving forward!
Here are some general notes:
1) For those reading The Five People You Meet In Heaven as part of the virtual book club, I've posted a brief synopsis and some starter discussion questions on the site and will update it a couple of times throughout the coming week. I hope you all enjoyed the book (which wasn't so much about religion or heaven as it was about learning and recognizing the importance of the lessons your life can teach you).
2) Following is a post that I've been working on for a while. I'm excited to get your feedback.
So without further ado, I bring to you:
The Anatomy Of A Mean Girl
(Parenthetical subtitle: Decoding Bitchy Girl Behavior, Part I)
Lindsay Lohan is living every high school girl's worst nightmare right now. Taking a page from LiLo's own "Mean Girls" movie, Paris and Brandon proved that, even in adulthood, the "cool" kids are still catty.
I'm not sure if you saw this story a few weeks ago or not. While out on the Tinseltown, Brandon - backed by BFF Paris - berated Lindsay in front of the assembled paparazzi. He disdainfully referred to Lindsay's genitalia ("fire crotch" is one of the more PG-13 terms he used); her "bomb" of a movie "Just My Luck" and her "pathetic" $7 mil-per-picture salary. Paris giggled and whispered in Brandon's ear during his tirade, seemingly egging him on.
This is interesting on a few notes, not the least of which are the facts that:
a) Brandon Davis (yes, I know, who?!) and Paris Hilton are only famous because of who their fathers are and the fact that they party 7 days a week. They aren't famous because of their contributions to society, their accomplishments or by virtue of their own merits.
b) I'm not sure if Brandon Davis has ever been in a film, but I'm pretty sure Paris' own "House of Wax" wasn't exactly a box office smash hit. Oh wait, she did have the straight-to-video "One Night In Paris" courtesy of her exboyfriend. I heard that did pretty well at the video story. Kudos, Ms. Hilton.
c) Bradon's assertion that Lindsay's salary per movie basically makes her poor is living off his oil tycoon father's dime. If Daddy were to cut him off, I wonder what his net worth would tally in at, given that his personal source of income seems to be limited to appearances at parties. As for Paris, she at least has a perfume and line of dog accessories.
Regardless of a lack of reason (other than stunted maturity and poor, spoiled upbringing), these two mean girls fulfill for Lindsay Lohan what every teenage girl dreads: Picked on, cast out from the clique, talked about in the bathroom and snickered at in the lunch line. As Paris and Brandon proved, the insecurities that teenage girls feel can often follow you into adulthood as well.
But why?
I have been thinking about this phenomenon a lot lately... why some women need to attack other women in order to assert their own authority. Is this because they truly are "better" than the other girl (and if so, who or what makes that distinction)? Or is it something else? My guy friends have often asked why we, as women, behave the way we do. Most of the time, we girls are just as confused as you men are.
So over the next few days, I will post my various theories on this behavior, with the disclaimer that I'm not a professional and have no evidence to support my claims other than what I've experienced in my own life. Feel free to weigh in with your own theories or call me out on mine as needed.
Here are some general notes:
1) For those reading The Five People You Meet In Heaven as part of the virtual book club, I've posted a brief synopsis and some starter discussion questions on the site and will update it a couple of times throughout the coming week. I hope you all enjoyed the book (which wasn't so much about religion or heaven as it was about learning and recognizing the importance of the lessons your life can teach you).
2) Following is a post that I've been working on for a while. I'm excited to get your feedback.
So without further ado, I bring to you:
The Anatomy Of A Mean Girl
(Parenthetical subtitle: Decoding Bitchy Girl Behavior, Part I)
Lindsay Lohan is living every high school girl's worst nightmare right now. Taking a page from LiLo's own "Mean Girls" movie, Paris and Brandon proved that, even in adulthood, the "cool" kids are still catty.
I'm not sure if you saw this story a few weeks ago or not. While out on the Tinseltown, Brandon - backed by BFF Paris - berated Lindsay in front of the assembled paparazzi. He disdainfully referred to Lindsay's genitalia ("fire crotch" is one of the more PG-13 terms he used); her "bomb" of a movie "Just My Luck" and her "pathetic" $7 mil-per-picture salary. Paris giggled and whispered in Brandon's ear during his tirade, seemingly egging him on.
This is interesting on a few notes, not the least of which are the facts that:
a) Brandon Davis (yes, I know, who?!) and Paris Hilton are only famous because of who their fathers are and the fact that they party 7 days a week. They aren't famous because of their contributions to society, their accomplishments or by virtue of their own merits.
b) I'm not sure if Brandon Davis has ever been in a film, but I'm pretty sure Paris' own "House of Wax" wasn't exactly a box office smash hit. Oh wait, she did have the straight-to-video "One Night In Paris" courtesy of her exboyfriend. I heard that did pretty well at the video story. Kudos, Ms. Hilton.
c) Bradon's assertion that Lindsay's salary per movie basically makes her poor is living off his oil tycoon father's dime. If Daddy were to cut him off, I wonder what his net worth would tally in at, given that his personal source of income seems to be limited to appearances at parties. As for Paris, she at least has a perfume and line of dog accessories.
Regardless of a lack of reason (other than stunted maturity and poor, spoiled upbringing), these two mean girls fulfill for Lindsay Lohan what every teenage girl dreads: Picked on, cast out from the clique, talked about in the bathroom and snickered at in the lunch line. As Paris and Brandon proved, the insecurities that teenage girls feel can often follow you into adulthood as well.
But why?
I have been thinking about this phenomenon a lot lately... why some women need to attack other women in order to assert their own authority. Is this because they truly are "better" than the other girl (and if so, who or what makes that distinction)? Or is it something else? My guy friends have often asked why we, as women, behave the way we do. Most of the time, we girls are just as confused as you men are.
So over the next few days, I will post my various theories on this behavior, with the disclaimer that I'm not a professional and have no evidence to support my claims other than what I've experienced in my own life. Feel free to weigh in with your own theories or call me out on mine as needed.
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