(Decoding Bitchy Girl Behavior: Part III)
The story thus far: Mean girls who act out of jealousy, insecurity and perhaps even a little spite. And now, I look at my own behavior, and dissect it a bit for your reading pleasure.
Keeping in mind Heather's specific behavior, even though I feel a little sorry for her, I still find it difficult to talk to her in public; in fact, I avoid her.
It isn't because I'm afraid that she'll turn on me, or single me out, or talk smack to me - because if she did, I certainly would stand up for myself, as I have done with her in the past (when she got caught talking a lot of shit about me to my boyfriend. Who told me about it. And then she came grovelling. But that is another story for another time.)
I don't just avoid her in social settings. I ignore her. And why do I do this?
a) I just plain old don't like her, which I'm sure she instinctively or quite obviously picks up on
b) I don't want to deal with or get caught up in her drama, and I don't want to be around when she inevitably starts it
c) I don't like the way she treats my friend and I'm afraid I'll snap one day
d) And yes, I'll admit it... part of me hopes she feels left out, as Julia so often does and as I did when I was a more integral part of that group. I want her to know how it feels to be purposefully left out.
And by giving her a taste of her own medicine, I sink to her level. So that makes me a mean girl, right?
See, in my opinion - and not just because I'm talking about myself, here - this is where the line becomes blurred. By ignoring Heather, do I become a person who is supporting her friend, or do I become a mean girl who can't step up and be the bigger person? Do I become a bit of both? Is that even possible?
Sometimes my bitchy girl behavior is a little easier to analyze:
1) My friend Rebecca started dating a guy recently. I am big enough to admit that I was a little jealous - not of her, for having a boyfriend... but of HIM, for getting to spend so much time with her when I was new in town and hoping to spend a lot of time with her, being integrated into her group of friends. So my reaction was to ignore him a little bit. I wasn't snarky or rude to him, but for the first few weeks that they were together, I didn't make much of an effort to get to know him. I can blame my behavior on being envious of the time that he got to spend with my friend, time that I would have gotten to spend with her had he not been in the picture. I can also blame it on not thinking that he's good enough for her, or thinking that because he's not good enough, she couldn't possibly keep him around for very long.
And when I realized (much to my dismay and horror) that I was acting just like Heather might, I immediately started to make more of an effort. I still don't think he's good enough for her... but I rarely think any boy is good enough for my dearest friends. But I also recognized that despite what I might think of him, he makes her happy - and THAT is what is most important to me.
2) When I get tired and stressed out, or have a bad day, I take it out on those closest to me. Now that I'm living by myself, it is a little harder to do. But when I was living at home, I could be a bit snarky with my family. I purposefully pushed them into fights with me. Hard as it is to admit, I started to feel a little better when I made someone else mad at me.
I can boil that down to the simple phrase, "Misery loves company." But I can also attribute my behavior there to feeling like my misery was justified. I wasn't just feeling crummy because something crummy happened, but also because I'd made someone else feel crummy. Like now I had a reason for feeling crummy, get it?
So there are some additional reasons for bitchy girl behavior. If you're keeping score, we're now at jealousy, insecurity, stress, spite, warped justifications... and the list goes on.
So how do we fix this problem? What can we women do - realistically, because we're unlikely to break bread with the enemy or get drunk watching soccer/football, as some men have suggested - to deal with the mean girls in our own lives?
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Lack of direct communication is, IMO, the cause of most female-female problems. Women & men obviously don't communicate the same way, women hint, men are more direct.
ReplyDeleteIf you were to communicate your issues directly with Heather, perhaps things would heal... or you could just communicate your dislike for her and then you can move on... or do you just like the little battles?? :)
Nice blog Lolly, I'll try to read it more often.
Boy, you're really getting into this. I admire your conviction. You've done a really great job of laying out all kinds of situations. Good for you. You seem very self aware and that's something you ought to be proud of. Great series of posts, Lauren.
ReplyDelete"And by giving her a taste of her own medicine ..."
ReplyDeleteI've found that more often than not, people rarely taste their own medicine.
"And when I realized ... I immediately started to make more of an effort."
You apparently have a good sense of taste.
"What can we women do ... to deal with the mean girls in our own lives?"
Is the goal to deal with the mean girls, or to "taste your own medicine" and not become one? If you work to deal, do you run the risk of becoming a mean girl? Or, it you strive to not become one, do you eliminate mean girls through attrition?
Hmmmm,
ReplyDeleteI think as a man, I'm not sure I fully understand female relationships (not to generalize too much). If you really don't want to be engaged in a bad relationship, I think you have to find ways to disengage. I find that a polite coolness with those I must encounter works (it takes disciipline) and simply avoiding others works.
If you want to engage with a bitchy friend - then accept that it will be messy now and then and try to be generous with your impulses.
There - once again, instead of seeking understanding, I've given advice. My male work is done here.
I usually find that as long as the person has not "done you wrong", even if you don't like them, once you start communicating with them you will find enough in common to at least be cordial to each other.
ReplyDeleteRJ - Remember Betsy? (Of course you do!) She was the same kind of person as Heather. I ended up just cutting her out of my life. It's a little bit different because she and I were actually friends, whereas Heather and I have only been social acquaintances. Men are indeed more direct and as I've gotten older, I've attempted to emulate that. But I still go back to my girly roots. (And welcome, by the way. The dark side is a nice place to be!)
ReplyDeleteCarly - It's one of those situations where you start writing and you keep going, and then realize you have WAY too much for a single post! And I am proud of being self-aware... it took me a long time to get there!
Russel - True enough, no one tastes their own medicine. Trying to teach someone a lesson by mimicking their own behavior is generally pointless, because they just think you're the one with the problem.
"If you work to deal, do you run the risk of becoming a mean girl?" Isn't this where the line gets a little blurry? Without being direct with that person, women will usually end up taking a more passive-aggressive path. But by calling someone out on their bitchy girl behavior, do you become a bitch yourself - or at least to that person?
Gary - Good advice all around. I have taken the "coolness" route at least with Heather and a couple of other people in my life that I just don't want to deal with. I'm pleasant when I have to be, but I generally avoid them whenever possible. And I love your line about giving advice instead of seeking understanding. That's a man thing!
Rocket - In most situations, that may work. In the specific situation of Heather being a straight up bitch (which I don't say lightly!) wouldn't that technically be "doing you wrong"? Lack of action can be just as hurtful as action, right?
I think the problem is that deep down inside every woman, no matter what age, there is a bitch. Some of us are just better at hiding her than others.
ReplyDeleteIn my experiences with people who don't like me for reasons that I don't understand is that I try to be cordial to them, say hello, smile, etc. whenever I see them. That way they can't in good conscience call me a bitch behind my back. I've long since given up the "taste of their own medicine" tactic, because it so rarely works.
Lauren,
ReplyDeleteI've read all of your posts on this subject, and I agree with you that woman unable to support other woman is a huge problem. Luckily, I have yet to face that issue because I have incredible female friends and family members and we are highly support each other!
I don't have an answer for you. I agree with Rachel that every woman has a bitchy side to her, but that side can be contained by how she chooses to interact with others.
I love your posts on the Mean Girls. It's interesting to see that we, as woman, carry those characteristics over from high school.
Rachel - There are two ways to go with your inner bitch: You either shut her down and ignore her, or you embrace her. If you embrace her, you become a mean girl. If you shut her down, do you become someone that others can walk all over?
ReplyDeleteI think, too, the way that you deal with your inner bitch is important. I embrace my inner bitch by trying (most of the time) to be direct and honest about my feelings, what makes me upset, etc. But if you embrace your inner bitch and use her to make other people feel bad, put them down, etc. then you become a mean girl. At least, that is what I'm starting to believe as I think more about this topic.
Sumeeta - it is interesting to see ALL the damages that we carry over from high school - hell, even grade school! - that still have the power to affect us in adulthood.
great post. sorry i've been mia recently.
ReplyDeletei think mean girls will always be around. every person has a mean side, some bigger than others. all you can do is try to be the bigger person (most of the time) and weed out the toxic people from your social circle.
Very interesting and thought provoking post! Definitely a tough issue. The difference I see is that men can be upfront about things and they are seen as "go-getters" or "direct." Women who do the same are "bitches." And frankly, if you are up-front and direct about issues and feelings with other women, I find most women are not receptive, or the type to accept and move on, like most men are. IMO, it's sometimes best to cut your losses and move on.
ReplyDeleteOff to read your Mean Girls chronicles...
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