(Decoding Bitchy Girl Behavior, Part II)
Read the post below if you need to get caught up...
The situation thus far: An example of abhorrent behavior in Hollywood raises the question, "Why can't women support one another, instead of tearing each other down?"
Why do women act out against one another? I believe it ultimately comes down to insecurity. Women get defensive when they feel threatened by another woman. Whether that threat is real or perceived, it doesn't reall matter; it is all about the defense mechanism.
To highlight this theory, I shall draw from a real-life situation - one where celebrity and paparazzi don't factor into behavioral patterns: My best friend Julia is dating Rob (yes, they've been mentioned here before...) whose circle of friends - including several women - are extremely, if not uncommonly, close. Though at least one girl has accepted Julia into the group, the other girls have not. When they all go out together, Julia remains the "odd one out." The other girls ignore her, or monopolize Rob's attention.
I have seen and experienced this phenomenon myself, having been a "part" of this group while I was dating Andy. And even now that Andy and I have broken up, when I too join this group for an evening out, I'm treated the same way by these girls. Or rather, one girl in particular.
Now I get it that an individual's core group of friends are very important. My group of friends is similarly close knit. It can be difficult to break into an established set of friends - the inside jokes, the group mannerisms and the shared memories are built over time and are intrinsically and firmly rooted in that social network's make up.
But Julia and Rob have been together for two years. They plan to one day get married. Unlike me, Julia is not a flash-in-the-pan girlfriend. Yet this one girl in particular, Heather, continues to exclude her.
I think it comes down to a couple of different factors, not the least of which is my assumption that Heather perceives Julia as a threat to her friendship with Rob. The two of them have a very unique friendship, and I believe that Heather is afraid Julia will disrupt the balance of that relationship. She quite simply is afraid of being replaced, of no longer being the most important girl in Rob's life, a position which she has enjoyed with regularity for quite some time. Or perhaps she realized that by being his girlfriend, Julia has unintentionally already replaced Heather as the important girl in Rob's life.
So, in essence, Heather's freeze out method is a fight for position. Heather is employing a particular defense mechanism to jockey for her position. Regardless of whether she is fighting to protect or fighting to keep her position, she is afraid of being left behind and left alone.
When I boil her behavior down to her feelings of insecurity, I find myself feeling sorry for her. I pity the fact that she must feel her life is empty when Rob plays a smaller role in it. I pity the fact that she can't see that a true friendship, such as the one she and Rob have, won't die because someone gets a significant other. Yes, that friendship may morph and shift as certain aspects of your life change, but strong and true friendships last regardless of what else is going on. And it is much easier to maintain those friendships when you are open and accepting of your friend's choice of partners.
The next installment of this discussion will review my own bitchy girl behavior, and my own motivations behind it... As always, I welcome your thoughts, comments and debate.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
i think jealousy is also probably a factor here. i know that jealousy is usually the source of my bitchy behavior.
ReplyDeleteYou state: "Heather's freeze out method is a fight for position."
ReplyDeleteIs every freeze out a territorial stake? Could simple indifference to the newcomer cause the same behavior?
In my more self-absorbed past (yes I have been even more self-absorbed than now), I can recall ignoring newcomers to the group. Not because I was threatened, but because my attention was full. I was busy with my interest in the current members of the group and didn't have the resource to be interested in someone new. And, I didn't have the inclination to re-distribute my resources.
There was nothing against the newcomer, I am sorry to say that I just wasn't interested.
So, while your starting point with Ms. Lohan was clearly territorial and confrontational, does it follow that all situations are the same?
Rachel - I think you're right, jealousy may also play a role here. I tried to think back to the time when Heather had a boyfriend, but I couldn't remember whether she was more or less friendly at that time. But she's not dating anyone right now and does tend to be a bit of a drama queen, so the statement "misery loves company" could be a motive for her behavior as well.
ReplyDeleteRussel - I know that it is difficult to break into a new group of friends, because many people do not put forth the effort to get to know you because, as you said, their time is full. That is a natural human behavior, I think. Not all "freeze outs" occur for the same reason - I have Part III completed which looks at my "freeze out" motivations and am working on a Part IV that will investigate further reasons. I shall add your commentary to that!
On the other hand, can't one argue that Heather's motivations might be slightly deeper and more personal, considering that Julia and Rob have been together for two years? It begs the question, "How long does it take to stop being the newcomer in a new group?" Shouldn't two years - and knowing that there will be more - be enought?
"It begs the question, 'How long does it take to stop being the newcomer in a new group?'"
ReplyDeleteThis is the thing that always gets me. I grew up in a small town, and classes at my school were generally pretty close. In my graduating class of 32, there were about 20 of us who had been together since kindergarten. When new kids moved to town, they were either outcasts or they were immediately loved. I could never understand how we determined that a kid was an outcast or was cool.
Group dynamics are quite the mystery. The time to acceptance being the biggest variable. I think you're right about Heather's issues being deeper. Two years is a long time to keep someone out in the cold.
ReplyDeleteI shall wait, somewhat impatiently, for your next installments.
"I could never understand how we determined that a kid was an outcast or was cool." I've never figured that out, either, but I think that is mostly because I have been on the outcast side of things more often than not.
ReplyDeleteTangential thought: Have you found that your insecurities about being an outcast have followed you into adulthood? Or if you've always been one of the cool kids, does it ever cross your mind that you might not one day be a cool kid?
lauren, good post
ReplyDeleteUnless she just doesn't like or jive with the new girl for some reason, I think you are most likley correct. It's either territorial or threat of losing her relationship with Rob.
She doesn't realize that by pushing the girl away, she will push Rob away as well.
It reminds me of the fact that when "most" guys walks into a bar, they firsts look at the girls. When "most" girls walk into a bar they also look at the girls to "size up the competition" sp to speak.
Girls hate girls more than guys hate guys for some reason.
"Tangential thought: Have you found that your insecurities about being an outcast have followed you into adulthood?"
ReplyDeleteYes. Very much so. When I was a junior in high school, a group of classmates decided that I was the kid to pick on, to the point where my parents considered allowing me to go to school in a neighboring town for my senior year (I was very much in favor of this plan). It took a long time for me to trust people as friends, and I still have trouble with it from time to time.
pflwvI still think that guys "hate" guys though, Rocket. Differently or not. As I mentioned in my other comment, they just do it differently.
ReplyDeleteWhile I am not disputing the possiblity that your suspicions are dead on, Lauren, is it not possible that Heather is indifferent to, as has been mentioned, or simply dislikes Julia? Being friends with Rob does not make it necessary for her to ever accept the girlfriend. Certainly, it may cause trouble down the road, but it may not.
As an example, to say I am indifferent to my friend Lawrence's wife, Helen, would be an understatement. I am always civil to her, but it is crystal clear that we have no reason to attempt conversation. We just don't jive. Or have anything in common. We're both okay with it and for the most part, Lawrence and I spend time alone or with other friends. My exclusion of Helen has nothing to do with feeling threatened or worrying about my 'status' with Lawrence, it's simply a lack of a connection to his wife.
Again, I'm not disputing the possiblity that Heather's motives may be the exact ones you've put forth here. I just don't think that it's safe to assume them as fact.
(I did like the non-celebrity example this time. It's much easy to wrap my head around people who I can substitue with people I actually know.)
Sorry this turned into an essay of my own.
One more thing:
ReplyDeleteI think that while we are all gilty of acting out in an insecurity fuelled fashion, I also think that it is something that you grow out of. At 31, that is something I have definitely noted.
Rocket - Another interesting thing to note is that either Rob is oblivious to Heather's indifference towards Julia, or just accepts it as part of Heather's routine. I have talked with Andy at length recently about Heather's behavior and his response has been, "That's the way she's always been, because she's kind of a bitch like that."
ReplyDeleteBut just because it could be just who she is, that doesn't make it acceptable or okay.
Rachel - ME TOO! I have been dorky or picked on in grade school, high school and even in college. I think I have an okay personality, so I've never been able to figure it out. Once I started standing up for myself, though - and found a better group of friends who didn't treat me that way - my insecurities started to fade.
I find myself still stuck in that "I wonder if they'll like me" mode, or taking it as a reflection of how well-liked I am when I'm not included in things. Being in a new office environment where the cliques are already established has been really difficult for me!
Carly - I suppose Heather could be indifferent because they don't have anything in common... however, knowing Heather and Julia both, I doubt it. Julia is well-liked by EVERYONE because she's just a really mellow, cool person.
Plus, I think there is a difference between being cordial to someone because you don't have anything in common, and excluding them. Heather's actions seem more targeted at excluding Julia, or any other girl that comes into the circle, for that matter. She acted the same way towards me, but I choose not to deal with her drama and avoid her.
Tangential thought ...
ReplyDelete"I find myself still stuck in that "I wonder if they'll like me" mode ..."
I think this resonates with many who have found themselves on the outside looking in. While we may have set aside our social awkwardness, we still carry the anxiety of potential rejection. I think this is evident in the groups we tend to link up with. As we get older, we get wiser in our selections.
it is always different as a boy when it comes to popularity - stronger the more popular. With girls i could never understand the logics behind social exclusion. To me it was worse than being kicked in the crotch by the big rugby player. But anyway, the best way of avoiding them is really to try and emulate them by pissing them off ANY way you can. copying them is a great way to get to the core or just not trying and basically go about being better than them. Or if all else fails kick there ass good. however that never worked for me. very hmmmmmm
ReplyDeleteIt's unfortunate but Heather's fear of losing Rob could be well-founded. There have been many cases of opposite sex friendships that have been destroyed because one or the other had found a boy/girlfriend. It's just a sad fact of life that unfortunately even strong friendships cannot be maintained when one finds a boy/girlfriend. Even in my own experiences, I have lost guy friends that I have known since childhood simply because their wives/girlfriends did not "approve" of our friendship.
ReplyDelete*offspring - Keep them seperated* plays on in the back ground
ReplyDeleteI grew up in a small town, but weren't born there. So I was always sort of an outcast - even if I moved there when I was two years old and didn't remember any other place. I guess we had degrees of "in the group", because I was a lot more "in the group" than newcomers, but not as "in the group" as the ones whos families had lived in this area for generations..
ReplyDeleteSad but true...
I never could figure out what the rules were other than that...
BTW - need some help. Please visit my blog and share your wisdom...
As a man, I think I have the solution... Women should have 2 or 3 beers, watch a football or hockey game, then say in a loud voice - "I really love you man - you're the best fucking friend!"
ReplyDeleteAvoid anything deeper and all is well.
I agree with nova...the fact is that Julia IS "replacing" Heather, although on a different level. And although this might sound weird, I don't think this is about Rob at all, it's about position and power. How many people would happily give up their "position" in a group to another person they barely know? Not many is my guess.
ReplyDeleteWhat Heather is feeling is not "right," per se, but it is human. I think in some ways we are programmed to protect our territory, or our position in societal groups. Of course we should accept the new person with open arms, especially if it is someone who is important to a friend or loved one. But it can be HARD when it means that it will affect our stature in some way.
I've lived in a small town for two years and I still struggle with breaking into the little groups I've met. Most people here grew up here, so it's difficult to be the "new girl."