The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I went back and read my last post, in which I waxed poetic about my relationship and expressed hope that things were finally turning around after a six-week separation. By that post, it seemed like everything was going great.
But things have turned south lately. We're not communicating with one another well. We're not talking as much. He had a party for the Fourth of July and didn't invite me.
Yeah, kind of a dick move if you ask me.
His general thoughtlessness and selfishness started to creep through. There were more mood swings. Fewer thoughtful gestures. Less sex. (Truly a measure of the health of a relationship, wouldn't you say?)
The more I started to see these things, the more denial I felt. I held on harder, tighter and tried to keep things from falling apart around me.
But the fact of the matter is, we're wrong for each other. My heart just needed time to catch up to that fact, a fact that I recognized a long time ago and rarely voiced aloud.
Today marked the end of the relationship. We were together a year. We did a good job. We had some laughs, some good times. But the relationship ran its course, and we both acknowledged that today. He isn't capable of giving me what I need, and even if he were, he wouldn't want to. That's not fair to me, so it was time for us to go our separate ways. If we're not moving forward, what are we doing?
I feel relieved.
It still hurts, of course. I'm sad, as I suppose I'll be for a long time. But this was good, it was right. I will be better and stronger for the relationship. I have learned a lot about who I am and the kind of man I want to be with.
It will take time to heal my broken heart, for as Pablo Neruda said, "Loving is so short, forgetting is so long." But in the end, I will be healed. I'll be revived. And I'll be ready for someone better.
7.06.2009
5.26.2009
It wasn't perfect, but...
When Boyfriend came over to my house about a month ago, I figured we'd have dinner, talk for a little bit about the status of our relationship, and then break up. Even though it wasn't what I wanted, I figured that's what he would want to do. After all, we had been on a break for nearly 6 weeks at that point, and even though I knew he cared about me, I wasn't sure if it was enough.
The night went pretty much as I had expected. I had steeled myself for the worst, and it pretty much happened. I was proud of myself for not crying or making a scene, for stoically holding it all together until I locked the door behind him. (At which point, I broke into tears like you would not BELIEVE.)
And then, a funny thing happened. He called.
The gist of it went something like, "I don't want to do this. You're all I've been able to think about since I left. I want to try, I want things to work. I'm committed to this decision, but I want you to sleep on it and decide if it is really what you want. If you're committed to this too, then I'll be really thrilled, but if not, then I'll understand."
WHAT?!
So for the past month, we've been trying to mend our relationship. We've gone out to dinner. We went to a party. We spent an entire afternoon at the bar, watching a Reds game. We've talked about family, values, faith and politics. In other words, we've been trying to remember why we were together in the first place, while also determining if we want to be together in the future.
Oh yeah, and when we talked about the future, he said that I had so many of the qualities he'd always looked for that he's thought about making me his wife.
Yes, seriously.
I think much of this new lease on our relationship comes from the fact that he is working again. (He'd been laid off since October, until two weeks ago.) Going back to work has boosted his outlook on life, and even if he's not doing what he ultimately wants to do, life doesn't feel as tragic as it did when he wasn't working at all. He feels like he's contributing. He isn't as stressed about money, bills, the future or the mid-life crisis that was looming large on the horizon a few weeks ago. He can breathe again, and it has loosened him up a little bit.
He's also starting to open up a little more, which has helped me understand him tremendously. He's talked more about his feelings, thoughts and past in the last month than he has the majority of our relationship. It's comforting, endearing, reassuring and most of all, an amazing gift.
I'm taking it day by day, moment by moment, because anything can change at a moment's notice. But the photos of him have started to emerge from their hiding places, and his name is starting to pop up in stories, and the gorgeous necklace he gave me for Valentine's Day is accessorizing my outfits again.
He's a part of my life in all possible ways, and I feel like it is just the tip of the iceberg. Plus, I'm more in love than ever.
The night went pretty much as I had expected. I had steeled myself for the worst, and it pretty much happened. I was proud of myself for not crying or making a scene, for stoically holding it all together until I locked the door behind him. (At which point, I broke into tears like you would not BELIEVE.)
And then, a funny thing happened. He called.
The gist of it went something like, "I don't want to do this. You're all I've been able to think about since I left. I want to try, I want things to work. I'm committed to this decision, but I want you to sleep on it and decide if it is really what you want. If you're committed to this too, then I'll be really thrilled, but if not, then I'll understand."
WHAT?!
So for the past month, we've been trying to mend our relationship. We've gone out to dinner. We went to a party. We spent an entire afternoon at the bar, watching a Reds game. We've talked about family, values, faith and politics. In other words, we've been trying to remember why we were together in the first place, while also determining if we want to be together in the future.
Oh yeah, and when we talked about the future, he said that I had so many of the qualities he'd always looked for that he's thought about making me his wife.
Yes, seriously.
I think much of this new lease on our relationship comes from the fact that he is working again. (He'd been laid off since October, until two weeks ago.) Going back to work has boosted his outlook on life, and even if he's not doing what he ultimately wants to do, life doesn't feel as tragic as it did when he wasn't working at all. He feels like he's contributing. He isn't as stressed about money, bills, the future or the mid-life crisis that was looming large on the horizon a few weeks ago. He can breathe again, and it has loosened him up a little bit.
He's also starting to open up a little more, which has helped me understand him tremendously. He's talked more about his feelings, thoughts and past in the last month than he has the majority of our relationship. It's comforting, endearing, reassuring and most of all, an amazing gift.
I'm taking it day by day, moment by moment, because anything can change at a moment's notice. But the photos of him have started to emerge from their hiding places, and his name is starting to pop up in stories, and the gorgeous necklace he gave me for Valentine's Day is accessorizing my outfits again.
He's a part of my life in all possible ways, and I feel like it is just the tip of the iceberg. Plus, I'm more in love than ever.
4.28.2009
OMG! OMG!
Pseudo-Boyfriend just called me at work. He saw my Facebook status ("Which is the bigger travesty: Falling down a flight of my apt stairs, getting my heel caught in a grate, or leaving my cell phone at home?") and wanted to know if I was okay. Now, he knew I'd left my cell phone at home. He could have called and left a voicemail. Or emailed me. Or left a message through Facebook. But he didn't -- he CALLED ME AT WORK!!! He also said that he'd had a dream about me last night, and between that and my fall, he thought he would "take this opportunity to call and check in." Score one for Lauren!
I had actually planned to call him today. I wanted to see if he had plans for the weekend, and whether he'd want to hang out on Friday. (To talk about our relationship and make the decision whether to break up, or whether to try to work things out.... though certainly that's not how I planned to get him to agree to hang out!!)
Anyway, since I had him on the phone, I asked him about whether he'd like to get together. He said that would probably work. Score two for Lauren!
Here's the thing: I have been preparing myself in my head and in my heart for him to say that he doesn't want to get back together. So even though he was obviously concerned for me today(Especially since the first words out of his mouth were not, "Hey, it's Boyfriend," but rather, "Are you okay?"), it doesn't necessarily mean that he's starting to thaw on the whole relationship front. It doesn't mean that Friday's conversation will go in the "let's stay together" direction instead of the "let's break up forever" direction. Score one for Pseudo-Boyfriend.
We'll see what happens on Friday, I guess. Regardless of what we decide, I know we'll reach a resolution that I can live with, and that's what it is important right now.
I had actually planned to call him today. I wanted to see if he had plans for the weekend, and whether he'd want to hang out on Friday. (To talk about our relationship and make the decision whether to break up, or whether to try to work things out.... though certainly that's not how I planned to get him to agree to hang out!!)
Anyway, since I had him on the phone, I asked him about whether he'd like to get together. He said that would probably work. Score two for Lauren!
Here's the thing: I have been preparing myself in my head and in my heart for him to say that he doesn't want to get back together. So even though he was obviously concerned for me today(Especially since the first words out of his mouth were not, "Hey, it's Boyfriend," but rather, "Are you okay?"), it doesn't necessarily mean that he's starting to thaw on the whole relationship front. It doesn't mean that Friday's conversation will go in the "let's stay together" direction instead of the "let's break up forever" direction. Score one for Pseudo-Boyfriend.
We'll see what happens on Friday, I guess. Regardless of what we decide, I know we'll reach a resolution that I can live with, and that's what it is important right now.
4.17.2009
An Open Letter
I am miserable. Completely and utterly miserable.
I can take the blame for questioning our relationship and raising the issues we face as a couple. I can also take ownership for the circumstances under which these issues were discussed and how quickly everything spiraled out of control. It may not have been the right time or place to raise all of the issues we discussed, but everything we talked about was legitimate. It should and would have been talked about and resolved at some point. Both of our concerns are valid and important. But we should have talked about them with a clear head and a clear heart, instead of in the heat of a drunken moment.
I was being a drama queen and once I got on a roll, I wasn't able to stop. My lack of self-control made it easier to push, prod and needle my way to a reaction that I didn't want. I think I wanted you to know that I didn't think our relationship was all rainbows and butterflies and perfection. I wanted you to know that I had some doubts. And, I was hoping to find some glimmer of hope that I could possibly have the same fears but that we could end up on the same page, and have the same hopes and dreams and desires for the future -- a future -- together.
But that wasn't the case. Instead, raising issues that I was concerned with went in a direction that I hadn't planned for, didn't expect and wasn't prepared to face. You didn't react nearly the way that I guess I hoped you would. I was hoping that you'd say, "Let's work on things." Instead, we ended up here. I learned that you have the same concerns, and that your concerns are magnified by what's happening in your life, separate from our relationship.
A thousand questions have been running through my mind: Why didn't I just stop talking? Better yet, why did I start talking in the first place, especially since I'd been so happy and content after our perfect afternoon together?! Why did I allow my drunkenness to interfere with what was in my heart? And If I'd waited for a better time and place, would the outcome have been any different?
So now we're here, on this break, giving one another enough distance to figure out whether this relationship is worth fixing or if fixing it even matters. I'm heartbroken and confused and lost in a sea of my own emotions. A couple of weeks ago, I could have stated unequivocally that if we just communicated a little better, we'd come out on the other end a stronger and happier couple, a couple with infinite possibilities for the future. Now, I'm not so sure.
You want some distance and I will respect that, not only because I love and respect you, but I also understand. I understand that you need to concentrate on yourself right now. I understand the crisis of self that you're facing. But God, how I wish things could be different -- that you could put faith in me, that you could open up to me, that you could lean on me, that you could want me by your side to help you and support you through this difficult time. I so badly want to stand beside you and work through everything you're facing. Together. But that's just not how you're built, is it?
This space/distance/break thing is going to slowly and surely kill me. It's not what I want. I want a resolution. I want us to decide, "Yes/No I can/can't be with this person and work through our differences." Unfortunately, a resolution for our relationship can't be reached until you reach a resolution with your future. That means putting every aspect of our relationship on hold while you concentrate on your career and what your next steps will be. You're not able to give me what I need emotionally, and you think I deserve better.
I feel like you want me to say, "It's okay that we break up. You're right: Our differences are too immense to move past. It's been a fun ride, but it's over." I feel like you want or need it to be a mutual decision. So that you don't feel like a bad guy? So that you know it's the right thing instead of questioning your decision? So that you can be clear-headed enough to move forward in other aspects of your life?
I am too in love with you to do that, and it's not what I want. I want us to come to a greater level of love and understanding with one another. I am ready to take that step with you. It's been a long time since I've loved someone, and knowing love may not be enough deeply hurts.
We have to reach a resolution soon. This state of limbo that we've been in the last four weeks -- four weeks! -- needs to end. It's been the longest and hardest four weeks of my life. I'm letting you "marinate" because it is what you need, but what about what I need?
Hope is a dangerous thing when it causes you to hold onto something that needs to fly away.
Fix yourself and come back to me.
Or let me go, let me forget you.
Please.
I can take the blame for questioning our relationship and raising the issues we face as a couple. I can also take ownership for the circumstances under which these issues were discussed and how quickly everything spiraled out of control. It may not have been the right time or place to raise all of the issues we discussed, but everything we talked about was legitimate. It should and would have been talked about and resolved at some point. Both of our concerns are valid and important. But we should have talked about them with a clear head and a clear heart, instead of in the heat of a drunken moment.
I was being a drama queen and once I got on a roll, I wasn't able to stop. My lack of self-control made it easier to push, prod and needle my way to a reaction that I didn't want. I think I wanted you to know that I didn't think our relationship was all rainbows and butterflies and perfection. I wanted you to know that I had some doubts. And, I was hoping to find some glimmer of hope that I could possibly have the same fears but that we could end up on the same page, and have the same hopes and dreams and desires for the future -- a future -- together.
But that wasn't the case. Instead, raising issues that I was concerned with went in a direction that I hadn't planned for, didn't expect and wasn't prepared to face. You didn't react nearly the way that I guess I hoped you would. I was hoping that you'd say, "Let's work on things." Instead, we ended up here. I learned that you have the same concerns, and that your concerns are magnified by what's happening in your life, separate from our relationship.
A thousand questions have been running through my mind: Why didn't I just stop talking? Better yet, why did I start talking in the first place, especially since I'd been so happy and content after our perfect afternoon together?! Why did I allow my drunkenness to interfere with what was in my heart? And If I'd waited for a better time and place, would the outcome have been any different?
So now we're here, on this break, giving one another enough distance to figure out whether this relationship is worth fixing or if fixing it even matters. I'm heartbroken and confused and lost in a sea of my own emotions. A couple of weeks ago, I could have stated unequivocally that if we just communicated a little better, we'd come out on the other end a stronger and happier couple, a couple with infinite possibilities for the future. Now, I'm not so sure.
You want some distance and I will respect that, not only because I love and respect you, but I also understand. I understand that you need to concentrate on yourself right now. I understand the crisis of self that you're facing. But God, how I wish things could be different -- that you could put faith in me, that you could open up to me, that you could lean on me, that you could want me by your side to help you and support you through this difficult time. I so badly want to stand beside you and work through everything you're facing. Together. But that's just not how you're built, is it?
This space/distance/break thing is going to slowly and surely kill me. It's not what I want. I want a resolution. I want us to decide, "Yes/No I can/can't be with this person and work through our differences." Unfortunately, a resolution for our relationship can't be reached until you reach a resolution with your future. That means putting every aspect of our relationship on hold while you concentrate on your career and what your next steps will be. You're not able to give me what I need emotionally, and you think I deserve better.
I feel like you want me to say, "It's okay that we break up. You're right: Our differences are too immense to move past. It's been a fun ride, but it's over." I feel like you want or need it to be a mutual decision. So that you don't feel like a bad guy? So that you know it's the right thing instead of questioning your decision? So that you can be clear-headed enough to move forward in other aspects of your life?
I am too in love with you to do that, and it's not what I want. I want us to come to a greater level of love and understanding with one another. I am ready to take that step with you. It's been a long time since I've loved someone, and knowing love may not be enough deeply hurts.
We have to reach a resolution soon. This state of limbo that we've been in the last four weeks -- four weeks! -- needs to end. It's been the longest and hardest four weeks of my life. I'm letting you "marinate" because it is what you need, but what about what I need?
Hope is a dangerous thing when it causes you to hold onto something that needs to fly away.
Fix yourself and come back to me.
Or let me go, let me forget you.
Please.
3.26.2009
Wow, I'm neglectful
As it somestimes goes with me, I've been suuuuuper busy. Boyfriend and I have had plans pretty much every weekend since - oh, I don't know - Thanksgiving!!! I don't have plans this weekend, so I'm headed to D-town to hang out with my family. I can't wait. It should be a nice weekend of rest and recuperation.
I'm not very good at keeping the blog updated, but if you want to stay up-to-date with me online, follow me on Twitter. I monitor Twitter for my job (yay, getting paid for fun stuff!) so I'm pretty active in the microblogging world.
At some point, you all know that I'll get this thing updated. 'Til then, please know that I do check in on you all through my Google reader (even when I'm not commenting).
Oh by the way --- how annoying is Octo-Mom? I'm ready for her to go away.
I'm not very good at keeping the blog updated, but if you want to stay up-to-date with me online, follow me on Twitter. I monitor Twitter for my job (yay, getting paid for fun stuff!) so I'm pretty active in the microblogging world.
At some point, you all know that I'll get this thing updated. 'Til then, please know that I do check in on you all through my Google reader (even when I'm not commenting).
Oh by the way --- how annoying is Octo-Mom? I'm ready for her to go away.
1.27.2009
Colorado Recap
Since today is a cold, snowy, sleety, bummy afternoon, I thought now would be the perfect time to recap my recent trip to Colorado. So here goes... Colorado lived up to its billing as a beautiful, crunchy granola wonderland of outdoor sports, hippies and snow. I arrived to a beautiful, sunny day that topped out in the 60s. Gorgeous weather. In fact, the weather was beautiful the entire weekend, which definitely upped the enjoyment factor.
One of the neat things my girlfriends and I did was take the Ski Train into Winter Park. The winding, two-and-a-half hour ride took us up through the mountains to the ski resort. Towards the end of the trip, you go through the MoffatTunnel and then BAM! You're surrounded by tons of snow. I think there were 54 inches the weekend of my trip.
My friend Lori and I did some downhill snowshoeing, which was a really cool experience that I doubt I would have had otherwise. We learned about the local flora and fauna from our experienced guide, Forest (isn't that just perfect?!) and enjoyed a two-mile trek. At the end, Forest taught us how to shimmy and slide down a steep, 50 yard hill. It was cool.
Here are some of my favorite photos from the weekend. Overall, Colorado treated me well and I'd love to go back!
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A view of Denver from the Ski Train, heading into the mountains towards Winter Park. .JPG)
Trees and snow on the side of the mountain. The tree is red because it is actually sunburned on its South-facing side. Did you know trees could get sunburned once they die and lose their spongy, wet outermost layer? Yeah, me either...
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My teeny, tiny, child-sized feet in my gigantic snowshoes..JPG)
This is a cabin with lots of snow on it. Duh. The porch should give you an idea of the depth of snow..JPG)
Hello from base camp! Only 9,000 feet above sea level, no biggie.
All aboard the Ski Train!!1.14.2009
Quick Rant
One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to remain a more active blogger. While I initially started this blog and Cingle in the City to share my thoughts, feelings and personal accounts, I’ve realized in recent years that the blogosphere offers a great opportunity to connect with people who share similar interests. I’d like to become more immersed in the culture of blogging, not just the act of blogging.
To that end, I’ve been noodling around the idea of starting another blog, one that is purely dedicated to an area of my life that I love, food. I heart food: Eating it, cooking it, talking about it, learning about it. So I’ve been thinking about starting a blog that focuses on recipe-sharing, restaurant reviews and general musings about my favorite forms of sustenance.
Over the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking of titles for the blog and researching potential .blogspot addresses. Which is where my rant comes in. WHY DO PEOPLE RESERVE BLOG ADDRESSES AND THEN NEVER USE THEM?!?!?!?!
That’s right http://epicurious.blogspot.com, http://epi-curious.blogspot.com, http://iheartfood.blogspot.com, http://yummyinmytummy.blogspot.com and others… I’m talking to YOU!!!
Stay tuned while I keep thinking about this new blog and searching for potential addresses. In the meantime, rest assured that I am totally stewing over the fact that all the good names are taken.
To that end, I’ve been noodling around the idea of starting another blog, one that is purely dedicated to an area of my life that I love, food. I heart food: Eating it, cooking it, talking about it, learning about it. So I’ve been thinking about starting a blog that focuses on recipe-sharing, restaurant reviews and general musings about my favorite forms of sustenance.
Over the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking of titles for the blog and researching potential .blogspot addresses. Which is where my rant comes in. WHY DO PEOPLE RESERVE BLOG ADDRESSES AND THEN NEVER USE THEM?!?!?!?!
That’s right http://epicurious.blogspot.com, http://epi-curious.blogspot.com, http://iheartfood.blogspot.com, http://yummyinmytummy.blogspot.com and others… I’m talking to YOU!!!
Stay tuned while I keep thinking about this new blog and searching for potential addresses. In the meantime, rest assured that I am totally stewing over the fact that all the good names are taken.
1.13.2009
Happy 2009!
I can't believe it has been a month and a half since my last post. I've been seriously, seriously slacking on the whole blogging thing lately. The holidays got to be soooo busy... and even though I thought things would slow down a little bit once the holidays were over, things have continued to stay busy.
This weekend I head West to Denver. It's the annual Bring-It-On-Athon, an annual girls-only weekend with my besties from h.s. Unfortunately my friend Julia can't be there because of some schedule conflicts. But the weekend is sure to be great fun! I've already started packing and planning for all the fun times ahead!
I'll try to take a bunch of photos and post some here. I'm told it is beautiful country! (What say you, Rocket?)
This weekend I head West to Denver. It's the annual Bring-It-On-Athon, an annual girls-only weekend with my besties from h.s. Unfortunately my friend Julia can't be there because of some schedule conflicts. But the weekend is sure to be great fun! I've already started packing and planning for all the fun times ahead!
I'll try to take a bunch of photos and post some here. I'm told it is beautiful country! (What say you, Rocket?)
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