Taking Stock

This is my 50th post. When I started this blog six months ago, I didn't really know if I'd find the words to fill up all the blank spaces. I didn't know if anyone would read it. I didn't know if anyone would care. But it has been a good outlet for me. A place where I can vent my feelings and frustrations. I feel like I've accomplished a lot in the six months that I've had my spot on the web.

There have been so many changes in my life recently that I've been forced to kind of take stock. The 50th anniversary of my first post inspired me to recap what I've been through. I think you'll agree that it has been a pretty amazing six months.

September
In September, I admitted to the fact that my relationship with Andy was officially over. I decided not to cry into my vodka tonics about it for too long, and started putting into motion plans for a new, improved, better Lauren model.

Part of that plan was my first adult vacation. I took vacation time and a few hundred bucks and went to Hawaii. Maui, to be exact. One of the most beautiful locations on Earth. The trip itself was not beautiful, and resulted in the elimination of a long-standing friendship.

October
In October, I got my spot on the web. I started slowly. I also moved forward with plans for a breast reduction, a surgery that I have wanted most of my adult life.

November
In November, I cut my hair, which I'd been growing out long for two years. Suddenly, I could see my neck again. I also saw Andy for the first time since "the break up", which was kind of the turning point in our pseudo-friendship-relationship-mad chemistry that won't go away-thing. And thus began the "let's sleep together" ongoing cycle of bad decision making.

December
In December, I wrote a passive-aggressive blog post about my friendship with one of my best friends ever. Luckily, we moved on. My breast reduction surgery was approved. My job search officially began. And for the first time, I went to a movie by myself.

January
In January, it became apparent that the ex-sex thing with Andy wasn't working. I also started the official "moving on" process by going out on bunches of dates - none of which really worked out, but helped me get over the hump. One of the biggest decisions came in cutting off all ties to another long-standing friend, affectionately referred to as Mr. Big. He was my first love, the person who claims to want to marry me, but never does anything about it. I decided I had enough and didn't want to talk to him anymore.

February
Here's where it really got interesting. I had a HUGE breast reduction, which drastically affected my ability to do even the most basic tasks. I took four weeks off from work. I also retooled my resume and began looking for jobs in earnest.

March
In March, things got even more interesting. I took an art class - my first - and I did it by myself. I found a job that will be perfect for me in this next phase of my career. I resigned from my first job ever. I decided to move to Cincinnati, which also required me to move out of my parents' house for the first time since college ended. I saw Andy and repeated the dreaded cycle. Then I realized how much of my feelings are still tied to this man, how much I still care about him and how much a part of me still hopes that we might work out in the future.

Re: Andy, I've realized that I need to just not talk to him at all. When we're not really talking or hanging out, I think back on our relationship realistically: It was a lot of fun, I fell in love with a great guy, but it just wasn't what or who I wanted to deal with at this point in my life. When we are talking a lot or hanging out, I think back on our relationship in a more romanticized, "it was so great" way. Each time I see him, I remember why I fell for him in the first place, and I feel sad that we ended. We have chemistry together that is out of this world; but great chemistry doesn't mean shit if you can't get along or you don't know how to love the other person, or even if you can. So no more dwelling on it or thinking about it.

I've made a lot of touch choices and a lot of tough decisions in the past 6 months. I found when I was setting up this post that I can measure the past 6 months in big steps. Sometimes, you need to take big steps to get where you want to go. I feel like I'm on the right track. I'm excited to see how long my legs will stretch.

Apartment hunting

I went apartment hunting today. It was so exciting! I toured one place, then drove up to another that I'm touring next weekend, just to check out the neighborhood. Then I went shopping for a sofa. This is so weird! I feel like a real, live adult!

My next post shall be my 50th post. Can you believe it?! I think I'll have to make it a special one...

What are the stars telling me?!

I'm not usually one to put a lot of thought into what my horoscope says each day. But given the events of the past couple of days, I'm sort of freaking out and wondering what this morning's prediction really means:

There could be a tough lesson in store for you today, dear Pisces. More than likely, the harder it hits you, the more of a message it is that you need to hear. Indeed, it is important for you to accept failure gracefully. It could be that the one who kicks you when you are down will also be the one who helps you get up. There are strange twists to this day that you may not be expecting. Take things in stride.

Well, I'm already down, because outside of the potential new job, my week has kind of sucked. I'm hoping that whoever kicks me at least avoids my chest - I still have all those stitches!!!

Making a mistake?

I emailed the agency in Cleveland yesterday and told them that I've received an offer from the agency in Cincinnati that I'm planning to accept. I wanted to let them know they should focus their attention on another candidate, because this offer is just too good to pass up.

They called me just now and tried to talk me out of it. I told them: The opportunity to work with these clients is really great and not one I'd pass up. Would I talk to the CEO? Sure, but I'm close to accepting. I talked to the CEO - how close are you? We'd love to have you, is there any way you'd change your mind?

It comes down to a few small points, I tell him. The benefits are better at the other agency. The client list is impressive. What agency? I tell him. What clients? Procter and Gamble, IHOP, Verizon Wireless. Oh. He gives me a standing job offer.

I wish I'd found out how much they were going to offer, so I could go back to the agency where I plan to work and counter offer. But I didn't, I just politely declined, thanked them for their time and hung up. And now I wonder: Should I have just accepted the Cleveland job? Should I have heard what they have to offer and then gone from there? Am I making a mistake?

*** Okay, well I did it. I committed to the Cincinnati job. I talked the guy up and scored a relocation bonus, so if you count the relocation bonus, I'm actually making $1,000 more than what I would have settled for. Which might not seem like much in the long run, but for a first-time negotiator, it felt pretty good. I never did hear from the #1 agency where I wanted to work, but if they came in with an 11th-hour offer, I wouldn't necessarily walk away from this agency. I'm excited about my (new) job - something I haven't felt in a long time! Now if I could just stop worrying about how my whole salary will pan out once the government takes 30% of what I make, I'll be okay. :) ***

Playing catch up

Wow, has it really been this long since I've written? Jeez! I guess I could use the excuse that I've been really busy. Here's a quick synopsis:

1) Went back to work full time following my surgery. It wore me the hell out.

2) Went to Cleveland for St. Patrick's Day and a job interview and stayed with my FABULOUS friends Bob and Stacie. They are two of my Favorite People, since we went to college together. I heart them very much. This is my officially shout out, Bobba! :) I had a great time, and the company was pretty cool because they agreed to meet with me on a Saturday.

3) Went out on Saturday. Drama sort of ensued. There is this guy who is friends with an ex. He's hit on me multiple times, but nothing has ever happened because I will not let it. I mean, he's friends with an ex, like I'd ever go there. Is he attractive? Yes. Do I flirt with him? Hell yes. (This might be a mistake - maybe I should stop being such a flirt.) But am I attracted to him? No. And do I want to sleep with him? Hell no.

Well, on Saturday night he and my ex apparently had a conversation to the effect that he wants to hook up with me. Oops - he made the #1 mistake of assuming that because he wants to sleep with me, his feelings are automatically returned. Never assume to know what I'm thinking. Jeez, the ex could have told him that! Regardless, the ex appears to be okay with this situation. Um, hello? Isn't that against The Code?

It really is as simple as the fact that I have too much integrity and too much class and too much respect for my previous relationship and too much respect for my ex in general to ever consider hooking up with one of his friends - not to mention absolutely no desire to do it. And it hurts me that he thinks that I would. And it hurts me that he'd just be okay with it.

So maybe that is why I had ex sex on Saturday night?! Those of you who have been with me a while can just shut it - I know what you're thinking and I don't care. It was sooooo good.

4) Got a job offer from the #2 choice. Heard from the #1 choice I'm still being considered. Expecting the #3 choice to call me this week, too. By the way, Brian, the #2 choice is the one that does PR for IHOP. Get that proposal ready. ;)

5) Almost completely lost my voice. Got a flat tire. In the snow and slush and 3 inch heels. Ick.

So that's the 5 minute update on my life!

Cowardice

Cow·ard·ice (noun): Ignoble fear in the face of danger or pain. The trait of lacking courage.

What does it mean to be a coward? Each person will have a different definition. To me, a coward is someone who doesn't know how to pick on someone his own size. A coward kicks a puppy. A coward steals a purse from an old lady. A coward calls people names when he knows they can't - or won't - retaliate.

I was forced to consider cowardice in all its forms recently. I'll share with you a story that has my Irish temper aflame - and my family loyalty bursting at the seams:

My youngest brother is a senior in highschool. He is a super good guy: Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs. It doesn't interest him, and he doesn't buy in to all that peer pressure shit. He has a very strong sense of self and a very strong moral compass.

When one of his friends - I'll call him Jethro because I'm feeling spiteful - turned 18, he received a "magnanimous gesture" gift - his father offered to drive Jethro and 4 or 5 of his friends to Florida for Spring Break. Of course, the father asked Jethro to ask one of his friends who has a condo in Florida, so that they could stay there for free.

So Jethro asked my brother and 4 other friends to go on Spring Break with him. My parents weren't thrilled. Partially because Jethro is an immature ass clown and is really annoying after about, oh, 10 minutes. Partially because Jethro's dad is an irresponsible ass clown, the type of guy who'd buy the kids a case of beer and advise them to have unprotected sex with as many girls as possible while playing with guns.

My brother, with his strong sense of self and strong moral compass, wasn't particularly hyped up on going, either. He knows Jethro is an ass clow, and he doesn't like Jethro's dad. He turned down Jethro's offer; wisely, he blamed it all on our parents. "My mom and dad don't really want me to go on Spring Break," he said. "I'm bummed, but what can you do?" (Editor's Aside: Interestingly enough, all but one of the other kid's parents also said they couldn't go (including the one with the condo - DAMN!). Jethro's dad has a bit of a reputation, you see. As does Jethro.)

My brother and two friends went over to Jethro's house this weekend - the four of them are in a band and they needed to practice. Imagine my brother's surprise when Jethro's dad said, "So I heard you're not going on Spring Break. Sissy." He called my brother a sissy twice more throughout the course of the day, with no provocation and incredibly, no reason. And my brother, sweet 18 year old boy that he is, was so taken aback that the father of a friend, an adult, would call him a sissy - not once, not twice but three times! - that he couldn't even form a response.

Seriously? No, SERIOUSLY?! I mean, how fucked up is that?! And how insulting, how embarassing, to be called a sissy in front of all of your friends, to be defenseless against it and surprised into shocked silence because it comes from an adult. This man's behavior - perhaps even his ability to be a parent - is appalling. (Editor's Aside: And I mean really, who uses the word sissy nowadays anyway?)

My mother and I traded looks. Then we traded insults. And comebacks. And "I'll kick his ass"es. Later, when my brother had gone, we did it again. And again later that evening. And tonight at dinner. My brother doesn't want my mom to say anything. My mom doesn't know how she can't.

Cowardice: The trait of lacking courage. But also, the trait of lacking dignity, morality or any sense of decency. The inability to pick on someone your own size.

Big Day! Big Day!

Tomorrow is a big day. Tomorrow, I plan to:

- Interview at a really good PR agency in downtown Cincinnati (they do PR for IHOP!!! That is International House Of Pancakes for the acronym-impaired. I could be pushin' pancakes! This makes me happy, for I dearly love pancakes.)
- Go to Rebecca's house to get cute
- Go out to dinner in downtown Cincy with Rebecca before meeting Jen for the Michael Buble concert.

This is important for a few reasons. 1) Because it will be my first packed-full day since my surgery. 2) Because I heart Michael Buble and 3) Because Rebecca is one of my Favorite People.

I had a phone interview today with a company in Cleveland. It went really well. They want to bring me in for an in-person interview. I am not sure I necessarily want to move to Cleveland. But then I wonder what is stopping me? Why do I have to move just to a place where I want to move? Why can't I move somewhere that I've never pictured myself? I could have fun! So we'll see. They have a meeting on Monday to decide next steps, but I'm pretty sure they'll be calling me next week to see about my availability.

So for those of you who are counting, that is three interviews in one week. Good record.

Upwards and onwards, folks!

(PS - It is a good day today. Can you tell? Plus, I saw "Walk The Line" and even though it was a really loooooooong movie, it was pretty good.)

I'm 25 and other unrelated thoughts

I'm officially 25. That is sort of scary, because it is the end of my early 20s and beginning of my mid-20s. There are so many things I thought I would have accomplished by now. I'm determined not to be depressed by this situation.

I'm nervous: I went on a job interview on Friday for a job I really, really, really, REALLY want. I don't think I'll get it. Damn!

In keeping with my New Year's Resolutions, I am attending an ART CLASS on Saturday! I'm really excited. The Dayton Art Institute offers various classes to its members on a rotating basis, and the little workshop being offered on Saturday morning deals with the making of dichroic glass jewelry. I'm not sure what that means, exactly, but I'm really excited to find out.

Tired

*** Editor's Note: I wrote this on less than 2 hours sleep, so the overall tone of this post is pretty cranky. I considered telling you, my dear dear readers, not to make any comments at all, because they would probably just piss me off. Then I considered that not hearing your feedback would probably just piss me off, too. So consider yourelf forewarned as to the paradoxical nature of this post, as I'm a tempermental and fickle creature these day. ***

I'm just so damn tired.
I'm tired of...
... being so damn tired
... not being able to sleep at night
... not ever being left alone
... not wanting to be left alone
... not being able to do anything
... my body betraying me
... being constantly, overwhelmingly in pain
... the fact that every movement leaves me shaking
... being cranky
... my false cheerfulness
... the cheerfulness of others
... being told that "everything will be fine"
... being told what to do
... healing
... wanting this to be over
... wishing it had never happened
... crying
... spending so much time on the couch
... complaining
... feeling sorry for myself
... having others feel sorry for me
... taking it "one day at a time"
I'm just so damn tired.