Taking Stock

This is my 50th post. When I started this blog six months ago, I didn't really know if I'd find the words to fill up all the blank spaces. I didn't know if anyone would read it. I didn't know if anyone would care. But it has been a good outlet for me. A place where I can vent my feelings and frustrations. I feel like I've accomplished a lot in the six months that I've had my spot on the web.

There have been so many changes in my life recently that I've been forced to kind of take stock. The 50th anniversary of my first post inspired me to recap what I've been through. I think you'll agree that it has been a pretty amazing six months.

September
In September, I admitted to the fact that my relationship with Andy was officially over. I decided not to cry into my vodka tonics about it for too long, and started putting into motion plans for a new, improved, better Lauren model.

Part of that plan was my first adult vacation. I took vacation time and a few hundred bucks and went to Hawaii. Maui, to be exact. One of the most beautiful locations on Earth. The trip itself was not beautiful, and resulted in the elimination of a long-standing friendship.

October
In October, I got my spot on the web. I started slowly. I also moved forward with plans for a breast reduction, a surgery that I have wanted most of my adult life.

November
In November, I cut my hair, which I'd been growing out long for two years. Suddenly, I could see my neck again. I also saw Andy for the first time since "the break up", which was kind of the turning point in our pseudo-friendship-relationship-mad chemistry that won't go away-thing. And thus began the "let's sleep together" ongoing cycle of bad decision making.

December
In December, I wrote a passive-aggressive blog post about my friendship with one of my best friends ever. Luckily, we moved on. My breast reduction surgery was approved. My job search officially began. And for the first time, I went to a movie by myself.

January
In January, it became apparent that the ex-sex thing with Andy wasn't working. I also started the official "moving on" process by going out on bunches of dates - none of which really worked out, but helped me get over the hump. One of the biggest decisions came in cutting off all ties to another long-standing friend, affectionately referred to as Mr. Big. He was my first love, the person who claims to want to marry me, but never does anything about it. I decided I had enough and didn't want to talk to him anymore.

February
Here's where it really got interesting. I had a HUGE breast reduction, which drastically affected my ability to do even the most basic tasks. I took four weeks off from work. I also retooled my resume and began looking for jobs in earnest.

March
In March, things got even more interesting. I took an art class - my first - and I did it by myself. I found a job that will be perfect for me in this next phase of my career. I resigned from my first job ever. I decided to move to Cincinnati, which also required me to move out of my parents' house for the first time since college ended. I saw Andy and repeated the dreaded cycle. Then I realized how much of my feelings are still tied to this man, how much I still care about him and how much a part of me still hopes that we might work out in the future.

Re: Andy, I've realized that I need to just not talk to him at all. When we're not really talking or hanging out, I think back on our relationship realistically: It was a lot of fun, I fell in love with a great guy, but it just wasn't what or who I wanted to deal with at this point in my life. When we are talking a lot or hanging out, I think back on our relationship in a more romanticized, "it was so great" way. Each time I see him, I remember why I fell for him in the first place, and I feel sad that we ended. We have chemistry together that is out of this world; but great chemistry doesn't mean shit if you can't get along or you don't know how to love the other person, or even if you can. So no more dwelling on it or thinking about it.

I've made a lot of touch choices and a lot of tough decisions in the past 6 months. I found when I was setting up this post that I can measure the past 6 months in big steps. Sometimes, you need to take big steps to get where you want to go. I feel like I'm on the right track. I'm excited to see how long my legs will stretch.